Tom Muzzio
Tom Muzzio
T.E. Publisher
The Virgins of Kolob
Mormon men get a whole planet full of women, but Muslims only get seventy-two.
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Howling at the Moon

Young Muslim suicide bombers are in the news a lot these days, and are likely to remain. Why do they off themselves by strapping explosives to their bodies and detonating themselves in the most crowded venues possible? Is it for some grand cause or for their fifteen seconds of fame? It is hard to say.

Perhaps in some cases they are genuine “true believers,” or in others they are driven by hatred of Israel or the West. All those noble notions aside, my theory is that they are just plain horny. Most of these “martyrs” are young Arab men in their twenties, living in the dumps of the Muslim world. They have little chance of an education, or meaningful employment, or a decent future of any kind. But above all, they are sexually repressed. Their religion restricts their easy access to women, who are closeted, hidden away, and shielded by their families and communities, from birth. Basically, they are inaccessible to young men in musk.

I still recall reading of young men – often as young as ten – who, during the Iran/Iraq war of the 1980s, were encouraged to run across minefields in order to clear them for the advance of soldiers. Of course, their deaths were foregone. So, why did they go so willingly to their deaths? For a promise. A promise of what? Seventy-two virgins! Whereas a ten-year-old may not fully comprehend what a virgin actually is, most fifteen-year-olds certainly would. And a twenty-five-year-old would even more so!

Most non-Muslims scratch their heads in dis‑belief. What a waste! But, I understand that such heroic martyrdom is enshrined in the Muslim world. I believe that Mohammed Atta and the 9/11 gang, the shoe‑bomber, and the Nigerian underwear bomber, were all driven by higher motives. But most of the young men of the dynamite‑sect, however, seem to just want pussy.

Well, I hope they get what they are longing for. But I have just one question. What happens on the seventy-third day? Once those randy young men achieve their eternal reward, and have deflowered all seventy-two of their virgins, do they get new ones; or are they required to fuck the same seventy-two women over and over for all eternity? Hmmm. Inquiring minds want to know.

Another collection of equally horny young men are targets of yet another sex fraud. They are called Mormons. As a young adolescent kid in high school, I was targeted by missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a crock! But I'll admit, as an unchurched youth, I listened carefully to their pitch. Their message was not one of high‑sounding, lofty goals like saving mankind or bringing Christ's message of love and peace to the darkies of the world. They were talking directly to me. My own personal salvation and eternal destiny were dependent upon my decision whether or not to accept the message of Joseph Smith and the golden tablets, the Angel Moroni and the teachings of Brigham Young ... or go straight to Mormon hell, otherwise known as the Telestial Kingdom. Yuk. You don't want to go there.

What you really should want is to aspire to the Celestial Kingdom, the highest of the three Mormon degrees in the afterlife. It's a real deal – a promise. But, your reward for adherence to “the teachings of the church” is not just some "pie in the sky by and by" hope. It is something attainable here and now. Young Mormon men in heat can seek to marry a “fine young Mormon woman,” and marry in the temple, and live together for time and eternity! Yea! Eternal marriage. How exciting. I could hardly wait to sign up. LOL. Well, I faked along, wanting to hear more of the promised Mormon afterlife. When a Mormon man dies in good favor of the church, he goes not to a cloudlike heaven with harps and palm branches waving, but to a real physical planet near God and Jesus, who live on their own planet called Kolob. He gets his own private Kolob somewhere in the Universe. There he gets to live eternally with his blessed wife from Earth (for time and eternity), and un‑numbered millions of women. That sure beats the seventy two virgins, huh? He gets to fuck his brains out forever, and never has to come back for sloppy seconds.

During the presidential race of 2012, when a Mormon was running for office, an interviewer asked Ann Romney how she felt about living eternally on a planet far far away with Mitt and millions of other wives. Her answer seemed a bit lame to me. She said that it was God's plan and that she could deal; but then, after all, she was the number one wife! Wooo. Actually, I kind of felt sorry for her. Well, it is a man's world (I mean planet).

After I had heard the spiel of those two missionaries in their short‑sleeved white shirts, narrow ties, and name tags, I bid them farewell. I had made up my mind. Although I was years from coming out as a gay man, I could foresee eternal life ahead on a Mormon Celestial planet with nothing but women. I was horrified. I concluded right then and there that I would rather have the Telestial Kingdom any day. Or better yet, I could always just go and blow myself up instead!

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